Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been a proud member of the #ForeverSingle crowd for years now. It’s fun and freeing to do whatever I want, whenever I want. But after a few failed attempts at love, I’ve decided to lock in to my womanhood and what I truly crave. What do I truly want in a romantic partner? Do I want someone to wake up next to each morning, excited to take on the day with? Do I want someone to go on adventures around the world with? Do I want someone to raise a family with?
The truth is: no. I want none of those things. I am specifically looking to marry a young, eager cop-in-training, in hopes that one day he’ll become a hot, moody, conflicted small town sheriff preoccupied with the paranormal.
I meditated. I filled out every self-help workbook my therapist gave me. I went to a retreat in Mexico. And while it was incredibly emotionally taxing, I finally broke through. I know now what I truly want.
I NEED to be fucked by a bearded man in someplace like Indiana who drinks whiskey and sighs staring out of his snowy cabin window each morning. He’s got a big secret!
Seriously. Give me any eager young man in a police academy in the vague geographic area of the United States midwest. My only requirement beyond that is that he has a tender core of kindness. So that when the aliens and/or ghosts and/or vampires show up, he will rush to rescue his quaint little town.
I don’t want to be his first priority. I don’t even want to be his second priority. I want his primary preoccupation to be with the paranormal always. I want to gingerly close my book as he walks into the bedroom after a long day being yelled at by his deputies who don’t believe his crazy rambling about the extraterrestrial force that is taking over the town. I want him to rest his beard on my chest and tell me that, “…it’s a crazy world out there.”
Not only would I have a super hot and moody dude as a husband, but I’d have constant ME time. I am an introvert and I crave having the house to myself. I don’t want some dumb life partner who’s around all the damn time and always asking me to hang out. I need to be able to sleep in, make a pot of tea, catch up on Below Deck, and read Tumblr.
And then at the end of the day I want to have awesome sex with an overworked, bedraggled police officer who is hanging on to reality by a thread.