5 Cute Ways To Thank Him For Telling You How You Should Have Handled Your Rape

How sweet! A person who is a stranger and who also happens to be a straight white man has reached out to you ON THE INTERNET! And he’s here to tell you how you should have handled your rape. You should really thank him. Here are 5 cute ways that you can show how grateful you are. Faith in humanity = restored!


  1. An animated, singing e-card. He said that you were dumb not to go to the police before telling your close friends and family about the horrific, life-changing event that happened to you, and you realize now that you ARE so dumb! Like, everything in the news the past year or so has told you that police are perfect paragons of the American justice system, and you were such an idiot for thinking anything otherwise. So, send that charming fella who pointed that out to you while calling you “bitch” and “hen” a cute dancing animal of some kind!
  2. Concert tickets! He mentioned on his profile (that you briefly glanced at as he was berating you for reporting your rape to a person in your community who you trusted) that he loves Poison, Jack Johnson, and Blake Shelton.
  3. A free MENSA test prep book. This dude is REALLY smart. I mean, he knows way better than you do about your own trauma and how you should deal with it. He’s SO smart, in fact, that he should be in MENSA, the official high IQ society!
  4. A selfie stick. His profile page is all gym mirror selfies! That’s so 2009! He deserves a selfie stick. You respect that he’s given in to the farce of modern masculinity by bulking up and needing to tell the world about it, but you want him to have a better angle in those gym pics. After all, his knowledge of masculinity and manhood is the solid, immovable foundation for his lecture that he gave you, a woman, about your own body and how you should speak about it after a significant and terrifying trauma.
  5. The book Missoula, by Jon Krakauer. Because it is incredibly informative about rape, how women are villainized and tormented for coming forward about it, and how the justice system has never, ever, ever, been on the side of women. And then tell him to go fuck himself.

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