Other Aspects of Her Life That Sarah Palin Blames Barack Obama For

Goddammit. My phone battery shows 15% and then just DIES? I swear, it happens every time. It’s no coincidence, ladies and gentlemen. My handy iPhone 6S right here arrived to my doorstep already damaged. Damaged not by the folks at Apple – no, no. This goes all the way to the top. The phones are being boxed up and shipped to us by workers in foreign countries. These people don’t know American values and they don’t know how our high-end technology needs to be treated. Our current liberal government has done quite the piss-poor job of keeping industries in America. If my phone had been made right here on our home soil, it would have a chance a better battery life. But Barack didn’t give it that chance.

I guess I have to address the elephant in the room. I won’t shy away from the fact that my flight here was delayed today. Those extra 45 minutes on the ground were really necessary, huh, JetBlue? I think we need to address the real problem. Healthcare reform has given medical attention to lower-middle class families everywhere. Now they’re well and free to be out and about, traveling all over the place, and weighing down our planes! I can’t help but believe to my core that planes would have less problems if the poor weren’t joining us on our flights. I would have been here on time today if it weren’t for the man in the White House right now.

I always get an everything bagel with butter in the morning. I get it toasted. This morning, it was a soggy, floppy, buttery mess. Not toasted. I could tell the new employee behind the counter had barely listened to my order. Make no mistake, ladies and gentlemen. This is the product of a Congress divided. If the young man behind the counter hadn’t been inundated with that hope-y change-y stuff over the past 8 years, we would have a very different situation right now. This young man would not have delusionally believed in himself and majored in art history at Vassar, and he would not be bitterly doing his post-college part-time survival job so poorly. I would have a correctly toasted bagel in my stomach right now if it weren’t for this current administration!

Is it just me, or did it take far too long for winter to come this time around?! Now, let’s not forget that the man at the top is from Hawaii. Yeah, that’s right. He probably loves this topsy-turvy nature hullabaloo. Let’s just say that things would be a little different if a Republican was in the White House, and if I didn’t ruin John McCain’s entire political credibility eight years ago. Drill, baby, drill!

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