Late Night Monologue Jokes

A couple of months ago I submitted for NBC’s Late Night Writers Workshop. I did not make it. These are my jokes.

Home Depot has recently dropped health insurance for its employees, forcing a lot of them to quit the company. Looks like you’re going to have to go somewhere else for construction advice from loud dads, other loud dads!

Last week in Italy, a nun gave birth to a baby. When asked to comment on her break from celibacy, the nun said, “Hey, you guys gotta try this!”

A study revealed that three states had zero female, African-American, or Hispanic students take the AP Computer Science exam last year. Sorry, everyone, looks like it’s just white dudes who are going to be virgins forever.

Environmental analysts have revealed that 2013 was officially one of the hottest years ever recorded. In a related story, it’s also the year that I had my “fun hat” phase, so, YOU’RE WELCOME, world!

In a Rolling Stone interview, 17-year-old singer Lorde said that she sometimes texts Taylor Swift for advice. The latest message from Swift was reportedly a photo of Lorde’s passport about to go into a shredder with a note that says “I’ve got this down-to-earth thing on lock, OKAY?!”

Today, Jelly Belly – the famous Jelly Bean company – announced a new beer flavored jelly bean. Oh, great, now know-it-all kids everywhere are going to start throwing around the words “hoppy” and “microbrew”. Thanks, Jelly Belly.

Madonna is in trouble because earlier this week she used the N-word on her Instagram account. That picture of eggs benedict DOES NOT deserve that language!

The cheerleaders for the Oakland Raiders are suing the team’s management for “unfair treatment”. In a related story, every person ever is suing all cheerleaders everywhere for unfair treatment.

A new study suggests that Facebook might lose up to 80% of its users by the year 2017. I guess mankind will create new ways to find out what your ex is up – OH MY GOD THEY’RE HAVING A BABY WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE I’M TAKING OFF WORK TOMORROW I QUIT FACEBOOK FOREVER.

Government officials have officially given NASA the go-ahead to launch five new space missions in 2014. Said the officials in the midst of throwing a spitball, “Congrats, nerds!”

A pod of dolphins interrupted a surfing competition in California this week, giving the surfers even more mileage on their insufferable stories about how they got their dolphin tattoos.

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