Your Mailman’s Creed Is Not An Excuse For Cheating On Me

WOMAN:  I get it, Darren. You’re not sexually attracted to me anymore. Hey, I like the idea of seeing other people, too. But your mailman’s creed is NOT an excuse for cheating on me.

MAN: Neither snow, nor r-

WOMAN: Stop reciting it. Please. Stop reciting it. I know that you weren’t quietly backing the Subaru out of the driveway at 12:37AM Tuesday night to “deliver mail”. Even if it was snowing. The weather has nothing to do with this.

MAN: …nor rain nor heat nor gloom of ni-

WOMAN: Jesus, Darren. Just tell me that you love her.

MAN: …stays these couriers from the sw-

WOMAN: I get that they taught you this creed with the utmost importance attached to it and it’s been a big part of your professional satisfaction and self-respect for so long, but please, honey, stop.

MAN: …the swift completion –

WOMAN: I’m literally not even that mad about the cheating part.

MAN: …completion of their appoint-

WOMAN: Stop thinking that this’ll work on me. I know that it worked on me the time you missed my mom’s birthday. And the time we were going to go to the Cayman Islands. I get it. Mail is important.

MAN: Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.

WOMAN: I see you texting her RIGHT NOW. IN FRONT OF ME. It’s over. Start getting your things out of the duplex, Darren. And take off your dumb little blue hat. And the side messenger bag, please. I never liked it.

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