Record Number of Local Preteens to “Discover” Themselves at Youth Group Lock-In This Weekend

ORANGE COUNTY, CA – First United Methodist Church on Fir St. and 52nd Ave. will host a Friday night basement lock-in for its middle school youth group this coming weekend, and more 12 to 15-year-olds than ever will feel “those” feelings for the first time than that of any previous year on record.

The dark, carpeted basement of the popular local church will host its annual co-ed all-night lock-in for the Kid Krusaders, the resident Bible study after-school youth group, to raise money for the American Heart Association. The room, with its floor covered in sleeping bags and walls lit with Will Ferrell movies on rotation from the projector, will be filled with more horny preteens than ever before, hitting a record 80 pubescents ready to secretly finger each other in the middle of the night.

Though John and Chrissy, the 24-year-old devout Christian couple that leads the Krusaders, will technically be supposed to be chaperoning the group, they will have to leave the basement at some point eventually to pick up the large pizza order from Sal’s Pizza downtown, and this is when the majority of the youthful, confused, sexual encounters will take place. The actions will go unspoken and shame-filled, though the boys will all quickly get over it and whisper-share their stories the next Monday on the way to soccer practice.

More sloppy make-outs are set to take place after approximately 3:00AM Saturday morning, when “Zoolander” comes to an end and everybody falls silent. Thinking everybody else is asleep, sleeping bags will stealthily inch closer and closer together and kids will try to be as quiet as possible while experiencing their first moments of sexual discovery.

John and Chrissy will be furiously shame-fucking in the Sal’s Pizza parking lot at this time.

We are waiting for final word on the total sum of funds to be raised for the American Heart Association.

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