One Komodo Dragon Grapples With Approving Of Another Komodo Dragon’s Decision To Join An Online Dating Website

Nah, Elaine! That’s…totally cool! No, I swear! I’m not making fun of you. Seriously! My tail is just shaking as a reflex. Yeah yeah, I know it only does that when we sense danger and/or bad decision-making. I swear I’m not trying to make it do that.

But, like, are these people really gonna be the catches you’re looking for? I mean, I don’t know. Isn’t that kind of a sucky story for your grandchildren? Like, “Grandpa and I met online because we were both desperately looking for somebody. Yeah, it was totally on purpose. I mean, mating period ends in August and the eggs gotta be laid by September. Mom was all ‘chop, chop!’, ya know?”

I’m sorry I’m sorry! Don’t hurt me! Stop shaking that tongue and put it back in your mouth. You’re getting defensive and irrational, girl. We ARE protected under Indonesian law so just think about what you’re doing. I’m just trying to be a good friend. How do you know you won’t meet one of those crazy venomous spotted tree monitors?! You can’t tell just from a super up-close profile picture and vague description about how they like “chillin’ in the sand”!

ELAINE. No need to be in a rush with all of this life stuff! Let it happen. Not all of us have to be a part of reproduction season this year! Look at me. I’m perfectly content with chilling out in my tree. Doesn’t it just feel like too much work to have to be on the hunt? Let them come to you. 

Plus, the island of Komodo isn’t that big. Everyone will know, especially if you’re just looking for hook-ups.

What are you talking about?! Your scale pattern is BEAUTIFUL. And if a guy DOES actually care about your proportions of yellow to black then he isn’t even kind of worth it. For real, girl. I love you. Love yourself. Stop this nonsense. All we got is 30 years on this crazy planet. Forget men. The ones that are worth it will make an appearance naturally in the universe’s own time.

So, run up trees with your little legs. Rob a scrubfowl’s nest. Slither around in the sand when it’s pouring rain and ENJOY THIS LIFE!


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