Recognition I Deserve For Ultimately Deciding Against Sending Specific Texts Late At Night

  1. A strong, reassuring handshake from the governor of any state.
  2. A proud Facebook post from my mother with a lot of exclamation points.
  3. A clip package of me presented at the Golden Globes and set to “We’re Going to be Friends” by The White Stripes.
  4. A guest appearance on Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations in which I show him around my apartment kitchen and make him a bagel-turkey sandwich from Trader Joe’s.
  5. An all-inclusive stay for four at Atlantis Resort, filmed by the OWN network, followed by the airing of the Oprah-narrated special about me and my accomplishments. This includes the clip in which I’m working at my barista job and a man in a suit walks in with balloons and a camera crew, revealing that I can leave this life behind forever, leaving me crying and jumping up and down a la Nikki Blonksy’s reveal that she had been cast in the film “Hairspray” at her Coldstone Creamery job.
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