I really like how this thing’s been going. It’s like our apartment is meant for us. I’ve never met someone who I feel so made for, you know?
But your engagement video to your last wife has over eight million hits on YouTube.
I want to say yes. I really do, but where’s my fake dead grandfather? Where are MY lip-dubbing parents? These roses are really beautiful, but where’s the camera crew? How the hell am I going to be on “Ellen” now?
She was a selfish woman and I will make up for her, I promise. You deserve so much better. But you have to step this up a little bit. You won’t even go to the costume shop over on Beacon and get some red body paint to get this thing going? Come on.
You basked in the glory of your awesome viral engagement and now it’s time to do it all over again for me.
YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF.