What? You’re Divorcing Me? But Our Engagement Video Has Over 8 Million Hits On YouTube (Part One of a Two-Part Series)

I completely gave myself to you in every way. I spent YEARS of my life with you, thinking this…this one thing would be forever. And our engagement video has over eight million hits on YouTube.

I know that it bothers you when I don’t trust that you’ll be home when you say you’re going to be home. I know I backseat drive. But you’re divorcing me? Okay, so our problems are deeper than I’m willing to take in right now. We need to experience the love of people other than each other. But the lipdub Cirque du Soleil musical number in the classroom we met in from third grade really was a big selling point for me. It was for America, too.

I gained around 40,000 new followers on Twitter from that video taken in Ryebrook Elementary. They loved that you flew me and all of our immediate acquaintances back to Arkansas under the assumption that it was to attend my grandfather’s funeral. Not only did it fill their hearts and mine when you revealed that you had fooled us, but it especially did when we discovered that not only was Grandpa alive but covered in red and gold body paint hooked to a trapeze, flipping and dancing to an instrumental track about our love as Mom and Dad popped out from under the desks and lip synched “Teenage Dream”. You’re saying that all of that was meaningless?

I’m so embarrassed. What am I supposed to do? Take down the video? That thing gets me PAID television and morning radio interviews. I can’t disappoint BatDog and the Trixter.

God. I’m really, really sad. I’m gonna be one of those women. A divorcee. A divorcee whose engagement everybody and their lizard saw and cried to.

WHAT?! BRYAN, I AM NOT IN ANY WAY FOCUSING ON A FAR LESS IMPORTANT ASPECT OF THE SITUATION HERE!

I can see where you’re coming from when you say that our relationship was inherently doomed because we were far too dependent on each other from the very beginning.

BUT WE STILL OWE THOSE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL PEOPLE MONEY!

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