THERAPIST: Tell me, what’s been getting you down lately?
INTERNET: She just…she expects so much from me.
THERAPIST: Well, let’s talk about this. You’ve been letting her treat you this way for about how long now?
INTERNET: Well, she started using me about twelve years ago. First it was just to play her Nickelodeon online games. Innocent stuff. Like where you collect candy on a skateboard. This was maybe three times a week after school, for only about thirty minutes at a time. We were having a great time. But now…it’s…it’s horrible.
THERAPIST: Take your time. This is a safe zone.
INTERNET: I just can’t give her what she wants anymore. It’s this constant neediness. God, what am I?! A GENIE? No! I’m the goddamn internet! I can’t handle her refreshing all three of her email accounts, all open in three different tabs, at the exact same moment on a 4-minute loop for hours at a time. It’s an emotional workout.
THERAPIST: Have you tried to talk to her about this? Maybe show her how you feel?
INTERNET: Oh believe me, I’ve tried. I’m really slow now. I made her install a new version of Flash even though the old one was perfectly good. I even froze just as she was posting a message on her crush’s Facebook wall, making it post multiple times, hopefully embarrassing her. But she doesn’t get it. Now she has excellent video quality and that incident is a fun inside joke between her and her crush. I can’t get through to her.
THERAPIST: Well, let’s think about her for a second. How have these twelve years changed her? When did you start to notice something was different?
INTERNET: AIM was the first red flag. I could tell she wasn’t being herself. Her away message quoted the movie “Drumline”.
THERAPIST: And it only got worse?
INTERNET: That’s an understatement. She just started spending so much time with me. Okay, I did offer MySpace. I know that wasn’t a good decision on my part.
THERAPIST: You were an enabler.
INTERNET: Yeah, that was a really rocky time. She started to spend hours with me. Blogging about her freshman year of high school.
THERAPIST: A 14-year-old writing their deepest thoughts assuming people wanted to read it? You actually let her get away with that?
INTERNET: I SAID IT WAS A ROCKY TIME.
THERAPIST: Okay, okay. This is all really important. We’re breaking through.
INTERNET: Then it was every single day after school. And weekends, don’t even get me started.
THERAPIST: Did dating get in the way of any of this?
INTERNET: No. It made it worse. Poems.
THERAPIST: Oh dear…
INTERNET: Yeah. And now, she checks me every day. So many times. For notifications.
THERAPIST: To fulfill some void inside of her?
INTERNET: Yes…yes! It all makes sense now! She is using me to fill a void! Oh god…
THERAPIST: Again, this is a safe zone. Use all the tissues you need.
INTERNET: But she also needs me to do her homework. Her professors make her use me. It’s a cycle I can’t break free from. Maybe someday! Maybe in a few years people will realize what a vacuum I am and stop making me a necessary part of their day!
THERAPIST: …I’m afraid your session time is up. But next week let’s exclusively focus on your crippling delusions.