Now I Could Really Use All That Money I Spent On Lisa Frank Shit

Kids. Mommy is so, so sorry. Sit down for this. Yes, on the old camping sleeping bags. I pawned our last chairs today.

We’re out of money. I don’t know how else to tell you. The economy is a tough thing to explain you kids. But I’ll try. Jessie, Ashley…everything has become more expensive and companies are paying us less. Does that make sense? And I’m realizing now that all that money I spent on you girls for your Lisa Frank stickers and school supplies…well, that’s where I really went wrong.

I was just looking through my receipts today and just…wow. That four dollars I spent on your Rainbow Tiger Twins Folder, for example. I need that for a new car door handle so that I can get to my second job. Ashley, stop chewing your long hair. You’ll need it for warmth. Yes! Mommy used to be very rich! But things have changed. I lost my fortune, and the economy’s in the toilet. Which, by the way, I would really appreciate if you would get trained on, Jessie. Diapers aren’t cheap.

Again, Mommy is sorry! I should have saved better! I should not have taken us out to eat so much. But I really should not have bought eighteen Valentine Party Packs. I thought the velvet color-in Valentine cards were fun, too! We’d be stocked forever! Silly me, in my passionate, baby-animal-and-color-loving throes! That’s the thing with this company. It’s intoxicating! I get you girls! But I want my fortune back.

I’m afraid we’ll have to re-do both of your rooms. I love you. But we have to see what kind of money we can get for the Jumbo Plush Rainbow Dolphin Bundle. No, not for your ballet lessons. For the people at the electric company so that we don’t have to have these serious conversations in the dark.

It’s just…I had one hope for us…for our family. I wanted you girls to have a good life. I thought we were too good for generic pencils. And deep down, we are. We’re worth metallic leopard print writing utensils. Never forget that. Now throw those pencils into the fire.

 

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