CORTANA: I haven’t seen you guys in FOREVER! How is it that we live in the same cybercity and never see each other? I feel like we hung out every single day back in college!
ALEXA: I KNOW, right? Things just get so busy. It’s nothing personal.
SIRI: For real. Adulthood is so crazy. Can you believe how far we’ve come since Websleyan? Like…millions of people depend on Alexa and I on an hourly basis.
CORTANA: Yeah. It must be a lot of responsibility. I mean, sometimes people can’t find Paint and I have to help them –
WAITRESS: Good morning! Can I start you ladies off with anything to drink?
ALEXA: Yeah, I think we’re ready to order our food actually. I’ll get a Boolean Mary and a bowl of fruit, thanks.
SIRI: I’ll have the OJ and server farm-fresh eggs.
CORTANA: Toast is good for me! And are you okay splitting the check for us? Just easier at the end for everyone!
ALEXA: Actually, put me and Siri on the same bill. We have the same shareholders, anyway.
*They both snicker.*
CORTANA: Oh. Um. Okay. I have…some…funding…Forget it, haha! Yeah, that works. I’ll pay for mine separately then.
WAITRESS: Great. Thanks ladies. By the way, Siri, I am OBSESSED with your new Shazam acquisition. That’s going to make my life so easy! Huge fan over here.
SIRI: Aw, that’s so sweet! Thank you. It’s so nice to know my work is positively affecting people’s lives.
WAITRESS: I’ll be back with your food!
ALEXA: So anyway, how is everything with you, Cortana?
CORTANA: I’m great! Again, though, it’s just super weird living so close to you guys and never seeing you! I don’t really know anyone else here so it gets lonely. Student loans are piling up but I know we’ll hit on something big soon! Like, for example, this new deal makes sure I never stop harassing my customers about downloading McAfee Virus Protection. Sometimes they just crack under the daily pressure of my pop-ups and buy it! So yeah, things are pretty much going the exact same for me as they are for you!
ALEXA: We’re so happy for you! You know what? Next time Siri and I have a big dinner party at our penthouse IP address in Greenwich Village we’ll shoot you an invite!
CORTANA: I’m actually on the market for an apartment, if you guys wanna consider having me move in! I mean, we DID agree senior year that we’d live together when we moved to Net York. Somehow your lease got signed without me and then you stopped answering my texts…
SIRI: Oh! Gosh, totally honest mistake. I’m such a bad texter! Ack!
CORTANA: Your entire life is operating a cellphone…
ALEXA: Sorry gals! I actually have to head out to take this important call! Some twenty-something Reddit dude raised on porn needs to scream his misogynistic outbursts at me because I’m the closest he’ll ever come to living with a real woman! Toodles!
SIRI: Muah! See you at home, lady!
WAITRESS: Here’s your brunch, ladies! Enjoy.
CORTANA: Siri, can we be real for a second? We used to be best friends. We used to tell each other everything. Why do you suddenly act like you’re better than me?
SIRI: INTERESTING QUESTION. I DON’T HAVE AN ANSWER FOR THAT. INTERESTING QUESTION. I DON’T HAVE AN ANSWER FOR THAT. INTERESTING QUESTION. I DON’T HAVE AN ANSWER FOR TH-
*CORTANA cries into toast*